Thursday, August 30, 2007

Quest to make planet Earth “idiot-free”

Destination: Mars
What is it: a wish list
Purpose: to extradite humans who abandon the usage of their brain
Why Mars: proof-Martian soil may contain life
Relocation: paid for by the people of Earth
Reason: call it philanthropy

I had the fortune of reading this alluring article on the other day that gave me delusive contentment. It was about how the soil on Mars may contain microbial life. According to Joop Houtkooper of the University of Giessen, Germany, Mars could be home to just "extremophiles" -- in this case, microbes whose cells are filled with a mixture of hydrogen peroxide and water, providing them with natural anti-freeze. They would be quite capable of surviving a harsh Martian climate where temperatures rarely rise above freezing and can fall to minus 150 degrees Celsius.

Scientific talk aside, this article offers the perfect remedy for dealing with people who chafe your nerves—say tsetchem leshalom, proscribe them to Mars and let them revel in the Martian climate. Maybe the excrutiating algid temperatures will thaw their frozen gray cells? These idiots can spend eternity in Martian land and we Earth-dwellers can peacefully go about our daily chores.

Call it my pollyanna notions about making the world “idiot-free,” but I have been working on a list of people who should be said hasta la vista to and shipped to Mars. It will not be a perilous voyage in a canoe across space; I was thinking more like an official send off with fanfare and they can create their own “Idiotland”.

My recommended list:
  1. Britney Spears—relinquished her brains (for Kevin Federline) and so the remnant amount needs to be deliquesced
  2. Paris Hilton—lost her brains to rhinoplasty
  3. George Bush—the lesser said the better it is
  4. Dick Cheney- Bush would need an amigo on Mars—kinda like homies
  5. Will Ferrell—to him, encephalon is an entrée offered at Saigon Taste
  6. Jaya Bachan—prolonged viciousness has had deleterious effects on her brain
  7. Kangana Renaut—this wanna be egghead can’t spell brain—not because she is autistic; but because she is still striving to evolve into human form.
  8. Bal Thackeray—we have had enough; the extremophiles on Mars should live with his iniquitous deeds
  9. Rakhi Sawant— silicone implants have aggrandized the pressure on her pea-sized brain and turned it into a vestigial organ like the appendix.
  10. Pamela Anderson – someone needs to float on Mars
  11. Mallika Sherawat - her ebullience is a sign of her brain on Prozac
  12. Lindsay Lohan – dude, she has no brains.

Disclaimer:- This is not a final list of people who should be exiled to Mars; names can be deleted (I highly doubt it) and/or added at any time.:-)

Copyright © 08.31.2007

“The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public” - George Jessel


Anonymous said...

I think along with the list you mentioned, most women would vote for their mother-in-laws to be sent along too :-)

Anonymous said...

lady, you read my mind.:-)

I would add Shahrukh Khan to this list. How could you forget that idiot?

Pradeep Srivastava said...

Idiocy, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. For example, I don't think celebrities like Paris Hilton are idiots; they are minting money because John Q Public thinks they are glamorous, charming, and beautiful---an image, creafted by people in the entertainment industry and the media, who are also interested in making money by glorifying the celbrities. There is a symbiotic relationship between the two! The only people who are idiots are the people who allow the celebrities and people of the entertainment industry and the media to get rich at their expense!

a said...

you forgot Miss Teen U.S.A. from South carolina. what a dumb fool.

Anonymous said...

OMG! I would totally add Hillary Duff to that list. Why not Sarah Jessica parker.

payal said...

"Kangana Renaut—this wanna be egghead can’t spell brain—not because she is autistic; but because she is still striving to evolve into human form."

you do have it out for Kangana Renaut. For the record, I am telling you she is better than most other bimbettes like Bipasha and Rani etc.

Anonymous said...

babe, you forgot that freak of a gjuy, Tom Cruise.

Anonymous said...

why not SRK and Karan both?