Saturday, November 14, 2009

Do you ever get over it?

Someone very dear to me said, "Unless you go through it (meaning, face a personal loss), you can't fathom the pain." I think I know what they mean. To me, the impact of loss is directly proportional to your equation with the person who has passed away.

Every adage indicates that time is the best healer. That people forget their worst nightmare and painful experiences, as time passes. Life takes over and fills dark holes with healing water. But what if these adages are a myth? What if that certain relationship is irreplacble?

Close your eyes for a moment and think of that one place where you can still feel like a child irrespective of your age. The one house where the stress of adulthood doesn't touch your sleep. The one place where sweet corn chicken soup is served on a tray because you sneezed. What image did you conjure up? Wasn't it your parents' place?

Very recently, my family witnessed a personal loss. I was in California this past weekend to express my condolences and cherish the relationships I still have. Despite all the love, warmth, smiles, and hospitality, I saw unhealed hearts. I constantly felt the presence of the person whose demise we all mourned. The passing away of this one person has taken a toll on the people I care about. I sense anguish in every conversation I have with my mother. I am not sure I will get over it ever either.

The journey from coast to coast got me thinking. Every loss is difficult and emotionally draining; the degree of pain might differ. But is one loss more draining than the other? I have heard friends say that if something happened to their spouse or children, they would die. I don't question their sentiments. I am not saying any loss is easy to deal with, but if someone loses a child, they can have another one. If someone loses their spouse, they could eventually meet someone else. Again, no one can take the place of the one who has moved on, but life goes on and people find emotional anchors. But how do you replace a parent? That one relationship where you feel like an orphan just thinking about the loss. The pain arising from any loss is ruthless, but one that takes away your parent is unbearable.


More until next time.



Copyright © 11.14.2009


When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure.  ~Author Unknown


Anonymous said...

This is so nicely written! Thank you for putting into words the feelings I felt but could not explain what I was feeling.

Rishi said...

Beautifully written and totally understand your perspective.On one hand, I do agree that a parents loss is something one cannot forget--ever. On the other hand, I have the same sentiments for any kind of loss. I think every person has a specific place in the heart ( damn the heart is big :))) and this place is a one time parking spot--that cannot be replaced, ever. I have another situation to explain this better. One of my very close friend lost her 1 year old son a year ago. Needless to say, it was way too hard for the couple. A few years later the couple thought another kid in the life would fill the gap. At that time, I thought it was a decent idea and might help. This time I was in India, I met my friend--but it is sad that she still hasn't been able to fill that gap or even dampen the grief. It is just that she is busy again...sad but true.

Anonymous said...

Very touching and heart-wrenching blog

Anonymous said...

Beautifully written. Nothing can replace the loss of a child, nothing. Not even another child because each child is different, just as each parent is different. One cannot replace the other.

Bijay Chandra said...

Beautifully written as usual. But I also feel that the degree of grief does vary with extent of emotional bondage and whether or not you are witness to the parting moments in person. In certain situation loss of even inanimate things could bear as much severity as thos for living beings.